Tuesday, January 27, 2009

super paola

I have found my cape, and put it back on... It wasn't as dusty as most of the things that have been sitting in the closet... I guess because it really hasn't been in there that long...

I didn't take off my cape when I became a grown up...as a matter of fact, I wore it with pride...

It's funny because it's true; people really do laugh at things they don't understand... I have a friend that, to this day, teases me and calls me "super woman"...

But last year, I took my cape off...but I didn't throw it in the closet...I actually hung it up nicely in my mind... It was a sad day... I took it off because someone told me that you can't keep trying to help people...that when you pull them out of a hole, the dig themselves into another one...I felt like my bubble had been bursted...

And then I learned that I can still be the heroine I always wanted to be...that if we have the courage to be different, then we can have the power to change the world, one person at a time... So I have put my cape back on...but instead of wearing it with pride, I am wearing it with humility... I am here to serve...I will continue to plant seeds and be careful not to over-water...instead, I will sow with love and later reap the harvest of a changed world...

I am not afraid of ridicule, nor will I let the ignorance or doubt of others stop me...I will embrace obstacles and allow them to strengthen me and fortify my faith...

I am not Super Woman... but I can be a super woman...and I won't let anyone steal my dreams...I have a purpose...and I won't stop trying till I die...

Up, up, and away!!!!

:)

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

a time to learn

I am trying to figure out if it really is in my best interest to give my all... Isn't "enough" better? "Enough" keeps me safe..."All" is risky... Not that I am afraid of risk, it's just that what's the point if my all is given in vain?

Why is it so hard for me to just give up? Why must I have so much patience? Why do I believe and have so much faith? And why is my faith based solely on abstract emotions instead of cold, hard facts? Why does it hurt so much? Why, why, why?!?!

But then again...why not? Is it because of all the challenges I am faced with that I become stronger? How strong do I need to be? I know I am not alone, and if God brought me to it, He'll get me through it...but it has been a long and difficult road... When will I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel...all I can do is just not give up hope.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

looking back

Last night I revisited my past via old blogs dating back to 2004... It was interesting to see how much I have changed and grown... I must have been so lost... Almost every entry was in some way searching for a purpose...looking for answers, philosophizing... I was looking for deeper meaning to life... And here I am today... without questions... My thirst has been quenched simply by knowing that although I do not and will not have all the answers, God has a plan for me...and the closer I get to Him, the more He unveils it...

In retrospect, I realize that I was suffering...and I needed salvation... I needed to be freed from the feelings of guilt and shame...and from my sins...

It wasn't until analyzing my past, and examining my present... that I knew I had been saved...

Thanks be to God...

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

a little older, a little wiser...

but still i am me...

the more i learn, and the more i change... the more i stay the same... ever so connected with my true self...

to really know oneself, as to know the definition of something... anything... you must first define what it is not... and i have done that... i have made the mistakes i had to make, to know who i am not... and in doing so, i now know who i am...

i know that there is a light... inside of me... that yearns to glow ever so brightly... bright enough that it could never be denied... i no longer live in darkness... but experiencing the darkness, has shown me that the light exists... it's the dualities of life... you can't know one with out the other... there cannot be an up if you don't know the down... you cannot see beauty, if you do not know ugliness...

i am happy today... and i know happiness because i have experienced sadness... and knowing what sadness feels like, i choose happiness... it is a much more beautiful place to be...

be happy :)

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

it's been a long, long time...

wow! I have a blog again! It's been years!! I hope I will find the time to speak my mind... I have a lot to say and I need an outlet... So here I go... trying to live life out loud...

Much of my life I have lived in silence...although the silence was intended to protect me, it ended up causing me pain...and although I have become more social, fun-loving, and spontaneous...there always remained a deeper part of me hidden inside... I learned how to play the part of the friendly and entertaining, hostess with the mostest very well...yet there was always a true me buried deep in a remote part of my being...

I have slowly started to expose this inner me...and the more I unmask, the more I realize that this masquerade has been in vain...because I am a genuine, wholehearted, amorous person...who wants nothing more than to bring joy to the people around me...and that is nothing to be ashamed of...

My reasons for keeping myself so private and secret are not because of shame, at all...being sensitive to the opinions of others, and with a fear of being seen as having weaknesses, it was really just to protect myself from vulnerability...I love people...and I want to help people...my heart is too big to be hiding...it wants to come out...and be worn on my sleeve...

I love me...and I want people to know me...so this is me...exposed...and consciously making an effort to live out loud...

Happy New Year!