hoping for the best

wow.

it has been way too long...

i am saddened because i feel i have lost so much... i feel like i gained so much in writing... and i haven't done it in months...

what is going on? where is all the emotion? where is all the feeling? where is the love?

i usually write with feelings of agave... with unconditional love for all of existence...

maybe the writing is what gave me this sensation?

before i asked, i had feelings of disappointment... not just in me... but in the whole world...

but now as i write... i am almost forced to be positive...

i have always said that i plan on living past 100 years... that plan of mine has been threatened because my mind has allowed itself to be persuaded to live in fear... in fear that the earth may shake and cause more geographical changes... in fear that the dollar may die and the country collapse... in fear that the food i've been eating could be shortening my expected life span...

but i don't want to live in fear... i want to live in peace...

there are things i cannot control... but there are also things i can...

for everything else... just gotta be prepared...

it's that time again...

time of change... this time... the changes are big... they are life changes... my whole life is about to change direction!

I just can't deny it any longer... all the signs are pointing in the same direction... and they're everywhere!

I'm being called... God is speaking to me... I have to do it...

it's a little mind boggling... because following this path... means a lot of personal change...

I've always been the introvert... the one who speaks but doesn't say much... and who doesn't say anything, unless she has to... and now... I'm becoming a speaker... someone who actually opens their mouth and says things... it's scary... but exciting at the same time!

it has to happen... it's meant to be... it's my purpose...

compilation... the beginning

i've always said that one day i'll write a book.... and this book will just be a compilation of earlier writings of mine... old blogs and such...

so here is the beginning :)

patience is power

if i have a favorite saying... or phrase that i use a lot... i'd have to say it's that... 'patience is power'...

as time has passed, i have realized more and more how patience really is a virtue... let's see what's so good about patience... the following is from a book called "A Course In Miracles"... regarding the characteristics of a teacher of God... patience is one of them...

"Those who are certain of the outcome can afford to wait, and wait without anxiety. Patience is natural to the teacher of God. All he sees is certain outcome, at a time perhaps unknown to him as yet, but not in doubt. The time will be as right as the answer. And this is true for everything that happens now or in the future. The past as well held no mistakes; nothing that did not serve to benefit the world, as well as him to whom it seemed to happen. Perhaps it was not understood at the time. Even so, the teacher of God is willing to reconsider all his past decisions, if they are causing pain to anyone. Patience is natural to those who trust. Sure of the ultimate interpretation of all things in time, no outcome already seen or yet to come can cause them fear."

it makes perfect sense... i've read many quotes about patience, and they all portray patience to be such a wonderful characteristic... quotes like "patience is the greatest of all virtues" -cato the elder (234 B.C.-149 B.C.), and "patiene is the companion of wisdom"-saint augustine (354 A.D.-430 A.D.)...

an excerpt

what is it that drives us? how do we define who we are? is it by our actions?

it must be... partly. because we can only be satisfied by knowing experientially who we are... not just conceptually...

so... are we what we do? or are we that which makes us do what we do?

is that our life force? our will? or is our will who we are?

what is our will? is it to be happy? is that the will of our will? to find happiness?

our will wants to be happy.... and everything we do is for that purpose... either because it will bring us to happiness, or get us one step closer...

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."

-Albert Einstein

hmmm...

i don't like to think life is random... i'd rather think it's systematic... i like my life to be planned and have some sort of design... if life were totally random, i would have no idea what to expect from tomorrow... and since i know (or hope) that tomorrow i will wake up, run my errands, do what i have to do, and i have somewhat of a plan for the order in which things will happen... then i don't think life can be completely random...

i like believing that everything happens for a reason... that every encounter means something... that i am to learn something from every moment of my life, and that every person that comes into my life has a purpose...

if i could only remember every night to ask myself: what did i learn today? if i could go back, what would i have done differently? am i proud of who i am today?

the music is too loud

i need quiet... i need stillness...

what's with all the ruckus?

i don't want to think... i just want to feel...

finally... peace...

ok... thinking again... about whether or not i am understood... not that it really matters... i'm just curious...

wondering if what i say makes sense... if what i write from the heart can be felt by another...

part of me wants to continue writing towards an end of inspiration... in others... but another part... a selfish part... maybe...? wants only to vent...

but then i think about... who wants to read that? i certainly don't... when i come back to this... later in the future... i want to be inspired... not depressed...

why am i so torn between the ideas of doing for others and doing for myself? sometimes i feel like i do more for others... then i feel like i don't do enough... or i could do more... but i never really think about what i do for myself... do i do enough?

i don't know how to answer that question... what i do know is that the question itself brought tears to my eyes... because i started to think... that i am not living up to my potential...

and i'm not... but that's okay... because i haven't reached the pinnacle of my life... what's scary is that i don't think i'm getting there fast enough... my attitude towards life is too lax...

i feel a struggle between materialism and detachment... i like having nice things... and i want more nice things... so i have to work hard to get them... but will i ever reach the level of spirituality that i want if i continue on this path? can there be a balance?

i don't know...?

inspiration now

i need it...

i need to feel... in spirit...

to be in spirit is to be free...

i need freedom...

freedom to write whatever comes to mind... and hold nothing back...

i have it...

only i can get in my way... i can be my own worst enemy...

or my own best friend... one that inspires me...

so let go, my friend... let go and let God...

be still... and know that i am God...

so much truth in those words...

i feel as if my level of inspiration has dropped... but as i sit here... quietly... it is being replenished... it's amazing...