the music is too loud

i need quiet... i need stillness...

what's with all the ruckus?

i don't want to think... i just want to feel...

finally... peace...

ok... thinking again... about whether or not i am understood... not that it really matters... i'm just curious...

wondering if what i say makes sense... if what i write from the heart can be felt by another...

part of me wants to continue writing towards an end of inspiration... in others... but another part... a selfish part... maybe...? wants only to vent...

but then i think about... who wants to read that? i certainly don't... when i come back to this... later in the future... i want to be inspired... not depressed...

why am i so torn between the ideas of doing for others and doing for myself? sometimes i feel like i do more for others... then i feel like i don't do enough... or i could do more... but i never really think about what i do for myself... do i do enough?

i don't know how to answer that question... what i do know is that the question itself brought tears to my eyes... because i started to think... that i am not living up to my potential...

and i'm not... but that's okay... because i haven't reached the pinnacle of my life... what's scary is that i don't think i'm getting there fast enough... my attitude towards life is too lax...

i feel a struggle between materialism and detachment... i like having nice things... and i want more nice things... so i have to work hard to get them... but will i ever reach the level of spirituality that i want if i continue on this path? can there be a balance?

i don't know...?